Hi Laska!
You could almost be writing my story, it’s so similar to mine! I really do understand the way you’re feeling right now. What stood out for me in your post was how very hard you’re being on yourself- I do think that what might really help is to be kinder to yourself, and get that this is NOT your fault, it is not a matter of will power, it’s this sugar/carb addiction which so many posters on this site have discussed, and that although handling the addiction is hard, it CAN be done- I know, I’ve done it three times before- Atkins, Dukan and then the first BSD- (A variety of other forays too, over the years- lo cal, Cambridge, WW, SW, etc etc!).
I want to get down to 9st or thereabouts- another 35lb to go. I’ve just started my second round of BSD; like you, I lost 20 lb last year, and have gradually put it back on by returning to the carbs- I do love them, and after all, one piece of toast (or two) can’t hurt can it? 🙂
I’m two weeks in now, and have lost 9.5 lb in 16 days, and I feel great; a couple of days of carb flu and then the lifting of the brain fog, returning energy- BUT this time I really have taken on board that I need to deal with sugar and carbs the same way I dealt with the nicotine addiction 34 years ago- that I AM addicted to them and that I CANNOT return to using them when I get to goal weight. One cigarette or one piece of cake will not kill me, but returning to the old ways will, in time. So maintenance really will be the key, and I realise that I have never actually recognised this before. This time, I’m not being so rigid with the calorie count, but focusing more on the carbs, aiming to keep below 50, which means staying largely off beans and pulses and checking the carb content of fruit BEFORE I eat it, not afterwards! This WOE is so flexible, as we can see from all the forum posts, finding what suits YOU best, if it’s working, is the way to go.
It is hard to get back on the BSD programme, but once you do , it is not difficult to follow, and I know you know that because I’ve checked out your brilliant posts from last year! Go back and have look at them.
What really did help me to understand the addiction angle were the books by David Gillespie, mentioned elsewhere on the forum; Sweet Poison, and Big Fat Lies.
Keep at it!
Mary