Jules, have you ever heard of nuclear physicist Louis Slotin? He worked on the atomic bomb during WWII and was known for a practice he called “tickling the dragon’s tail,” in which he placed fissionable materials closer and closer together to study the build-up to the chain reaction. The idea was to observe closely and separate them before the chain reaction and inevitable massive explosion. One time the reaction began faster than he’d expected and he had to physically separate the materials with his bare hands to keep the southwestern United States from turning into a mushroom cloud. He died of radiation poisoning shortly thereafter.
The seed crackers, the other things you’ve bought when you achieve a weight loss goal, that’s your version of tickling the dragon’s tail. Because it’s well-embedded in your psyche, I think you need to fight it in a very mindful, aggressive way. Talk to yourself, remind yourself of the inevitable shame spiral that ensues, and most of all, acknowledge and accept that you are a different person now. You are not the secret cracker binge person. These dirty little assignations in pay-by-the-hour motels don’t work for you anymore. You are about health, strength, committment, focus and holy crap are you all about results. Those loss figures speak for themselves. They’re the best rebuttal in the world to a self-destructive impulse.
You can do it!