Hey Chicks,
So, I’ve sort of mostly pretty much conquered my fear of the gym at the local community centre…almost. But in the moments that the old Lizzie fears start to percolate (usually in the daunting presence of the Evil Skinny Wives of Satan) I’ve found the perfect solution…..lie my fucking face off. Here’s how it went….
We’d had Mum home for the night a couple days back as my aunt was visiting (remember Mum had a stroke and is now in assisted living but comes home from time to time for a night or two). So anyway, there I was sitting in the kitchen with a cup of tea listening to the CBC news at just shy of 6:30am, Mum was still up in bed, when the Archangel Michael sounded his horn and with that almighty blast came a grand epiphany!!! (just as clear as the “we big woman one”). It was a thought so clear and obvious that it was beautiful in its simplicity! Through clearly Divine intervention, in one startling and revealing moment, I realized that the Evil Skinny Wives of Satan (ESWS) have children and would be engaged with their sinister mothering duties until at least 9am—if I hit the gym immediately it would be a netherworld bitch free zone for another 2 hours at least! I had been going to the Stretch and Strength class at 9:30am, then to the gym room to do this circuit that the well-meaning coaches had shown me, then a few laps in the pool then home, but my nemesis were the ESWS. (what’s the plural of ‘nemesis?” um–nemeni? fuck it you get the gist.) But seriously, the sinister effect of their coven is just so powerful that one judgmental glance is enough to throw me off my good intentions.
Anyway, having had my epiphany, I ran upstairs, whipped on my gym gear then offered a quick explanation to Mum saying I was off to the gym for a workout and swim which she thought was madness as I hadn’t finished my tea. As I laced my shoes while perched on the edge of her bed, Mum mumbled on about how they never had gyms during the war, blah blah blah, too busy defending democracy, blah blah blah. It always comes down to the war with Mum. Anyway, still floating on the rapture of my epiphany I left the house leaving Mum and my aunt to get on with it.
As I pulled into the gym parking lot I swear I could feel an evil presence emanating from the Temple of the Evil Stick People whose stronghold I was about to enter. I would have felt better with a bottle of holy water but, undeterred, I crossed the parking lot whilst reciting the Apostle’s Creed followed by the Lord’s Prayer as I entered the building. After signing in, (and signing myself–Father, Son, Holy Spirit for extra protection) and having saved the heavy artillery, by way of the 23rd Psalm, for my end game, I began the slow descent unto the bowels of Hades (the gym is on the lower level and seemed very symbolic of Hell at the time)….”yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I WILL FEAR NO EVIL…” (my inside voice screamed that last bit). With a deep breath I opened the door—NO WIVES OF SATAN!!!
With renewed confidence I did the routine that I have committed to memory, giving every move my all, then hit the pool for 25 lengths at top speed!….well, my top speed anyway. There were a few random people on the treadmills but nobody was using the gym equipment and there were only a few others in the pool. I finished my workout feeling refreshed, renewed and full of grace. No more would I let those evil malnourished nasties keep me from my goals.
Anyway, as I was signing out, a gaggle of Satan’s wives were at the counter (cue jelly legs, heart palpitations, tunnel vision and diminished self-confidence). Now, the affectionate compulsive hugger stick girl that thinks of me as a vertical bed saw me and pointed out that I was “like super crazy early” and asked “Lizzie, aren’t you staying for Stretch and Strength?” (for which the ESWS were gathering and by now sizing me up). I could have been truthful and admitted to being fucking shattered but oooooh no……Drawing upon all of my cool and confidence I replied a casual “Nah, not today, I’m doing a 10K with a girlfriend along the lake so wanted to get a workout in first.” The Satanic bitches stared—probably in disbelief, but I didn’t give a shit.
Arriving home I settled down at the kitchen table for a tankard of well deserved tea with Mum and my aunt.
“Did you hear all of that horn blowing this morning?” Mum asked.
“I did indeed! It was the Archangel Michael sounding the divine delivery of my epiphany,” I replied.
After a suitably long pause to consider whether her daughter had finally lost her mind she offered “No, some bastard had blocked in the garbage truck..….and as for Archangels, I think you’ll find it’s Gabriel that makes up Heaven’s brass section.”
Forgive me Father……I knew that.
So what have I learned? If the odd white lie gets you through–do it, just be sure to be true to yourself.
And amazing recipes!! I’m souping it today! Had the Med veg casserole last night–bloody lush!!
Yours “truly”,
Liz
