I didn’t even lose one ounce of one arsing pound yesterday despite my Nordic adventure so I busted ass over to the morning Stretch and Strength class at the community centre…..which didn’t start well. Now, about six months ago I had a vague inclination that I should ‘get fit’ and joined a Slim and Be Trim class with a girlfriend at the local centre. She was trying to slim down before her son’s wedding and managed to knock off a good few pounds, but I didn’t have any particular motive to lose weight. In truth, I would typically hit the pub en route home from class for a pint (4) and a pie….and fries. In fairness, the staff at the community centre were wonderful and so helpful in every way but my heart wasn’t in it.
Returning today, after my first class last week, didn’t really refresh my determination to continue. I swear I’m a skinny bitch magnet. You know how when you’re pregnant the personal space barrier disappears and people you don’t even know touch your belly. Well, being the old fat broad at the gym has the same effect. I wasn’t at the gym more than two minutes when this tiny toned stick person ran up, threw her arms around me, dropped her head on my left knocker and hugged me for all she was worth while squealing “LIIIIIIIIIZZIIIIIIIIIEEEEE, WE’VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH.” She could have stopped there but went on…..”YOU ARE LIKE THE PERFECT VERTICAL BED—ALL I NEED IS A BLANKIE,” she shrieked with delight as she plastered her 5’1” frame against my generous 6’ wall of flesh. The assault continued as she poked my belly and right tit like she was plumping a f*cking down pillow before turning in for the night. Inside voice was screaming ‘UNHAND ME YOU IRRITATING STICK CREATURE” but managed a less than enthusiastic pat on the head, like the kind you give your friend’s ugly baby with a shitty diaper, and managed a weak ‘missed you too.’ I suppose my statuesque frame is a comforting mass for a stick creature with the body fat of a locust so I can’t really hate her….yet; but the bed comment and the use of the term ‘blankie’ deserved a punch in the throat. She’s at least 25 for @%#&sake, why is she using the vocabulary of a six year old; irritating.
Doubling my determination to exercise self-restraint (if nothing else), I soldiered on down the corridor and completed another Stretch and Strength class. What really gets me though is that, for the most part, the class is made up of midget titted yummy mummies who have just dropped the kids at school and then there’s me. We’re all decked out in the requisite black lycra leggings and sports tanks (mine with the integrated knocker armour) but they all look like athletic wear models and then there’s me thundering along to the music at the back of the class looking like a turbo dyke. It’s not fair. On the plus side, Miss Sizzle Tits wasn’t there trying to pass off her fake frame as real. That would have put me over the edge.
Okay, maybe I’m in a bit of a mood but it will pass as will the fat. It can’t not on 800 calories a day!! I had a sensible breakfast and am making low carb/calorie bacon/artichoke soup. Kev is working 9am-9pm which screws up normal dinner hours so soup and salads will be our go to for the next four days.
Success to you all today! If you catch yourself thinking “I can’t do this” stop and realize YOU ARE DOING THIS!!! You only fail when you quit trying.
Lizzie the Mattress